09/06/2023
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Dear Customer,
Congratulations on acquiring your Newfoundland . Please find the instructions for your particular model listed below:
Although your Newf comes fully assembled, due to particular issues during production, we do occasionally have issues with components such as screws. They invariably are either loose or missing altogether.
Mode 1: This is the sleep mode, activated for the majority of the day as the Newf ages. This is normal and you should not worry about it, just accept the peace and quiet while you can.
Mode 2: Anarchy. Although we have tried to ease the effect of anarchy mode, it’s not always possible. There are inherent issues with the timer settings of anarchy mode in regards to there being none. Should your Newf suddenly go from comatose to running around the walls, we cannot stop this feature.
Water: Do not allow your Newf to stay in the water too long. if left unattended they recharge. Too much of a charge and mode 2 can be activated without warning. Remember The Gremlins 😳
Energy consumption: This has been an ongoing issue as their energy consumption is too direct. We have tried to put baffles, non return valves and diversions in place but none seem to work adequately. Safe to say what goes in comes out, in both solids and gas. The gas, although noxious, can only inhibit breathing of the owner for up to ten minutes. Dribble we can do nothing about.
Naming: Your Newf comes untitled as we feel owners should use names of their own. If you are unsure, we have listed below a few names our owners like to use:
Sh****ad
You’re kidding me
Is that yours?
Don’t you dare
Drop it
As***le
Put that down
Get that out of your mouth
The zipper: We ask you not to try to open a Newfs zipper on their back as this will invalidate your one hour warranty. Rumours that they are merely toddlers in a dog suit is highly contested.
Software: Your Newf is pre-installed with the highest software and hardware. This includes the loyalty chip, the love every one chip, fun chip and, of course, the highly popular mayhem chip. They are all running on the Whatthehell operating system 12.2. Although this has been in circulation for many years, we have found it simply cannot be improved upon.
Should you have any queries you can reach us on 118-what-did-I-do
Thank you.
We hope you have many years of enjoyment with your Newf Please be aware that by the time you have read this, your warranty will have run out.
Unfortunately, we do not renew warranties and we do not offer refunds or returns..ever. It’s your problem now.
