08/16/2021
How to get the apartment.
1. Read the whole ad. Seriously.
2. If your credit doesn’t meet the requirements, offer to pay a few months’ rent upfront.
3. Show up for your appointment. If you forgot, apologize. You might want an apartment next year.
4. Try to submit your application at around the same time you meet me. I have applications flying in and people contacting me and it’s nice when I can put the name and face together.
5. Don’t call me. Please. And if you must call me, don’t ask me questions you could have answered by reading the ad. Please.
6. Tell me something interesting about yourself that will help me remember you.
7. If you don’t earn 3x the rent, just don’t. I’ve tried to get by with rent I can’t afford and it never goes well. If affording rent is an ongoing thing, sign up for Section 8. It’s at least a 2-year wait for the voucher so sign up now. I take section 8.
8. If you are Mom, let your kid find their own place. I don’t do moms.
9. I also don’t do sight unseen. You say you’ll take anything but don’t you deserve a place you like and feel comfortable in?
10. I love it when people send me a specific thing like “My name is Trixie and I’ll be living with my Uncle Fred and I have 4 cats and I’m available to see the apartment Tuesday or Thursday between 5 and 7” instead of the Zillow-generated message that says “please send more information.”
11. If you’re moving here on the 12th and need an apartment on the 13th and you don’t have time to see the apartment beforehand, you might want to rethink that schedule. I’ll probably rent to someone who I’ve met who’s not in a time crunch.
12. If you need a place tomorrow, I’m gonna wonder what other parts of your life aren’t going well. If I have a place that’s available tomorrow but not yet rented, you should ask yourself what else is wrong with my property management.
13. If one more person asks me “what do I need to move in?” I’m gonna say “Boxes, maybe a truck.” The amount I require (deposit plus first month’s rent, and don’t ask me how much that is like you can’t do math) is in the ad.
14. You may have read in a magazine that you should try to negotiate a lower rent but can you not? I give a lot of thought to what a fair rent is, and as long as I have 20+ applicants for every apartment that’s just irritating.
15. If the apartment is available March 1 but you aren’t moving til July, you will be wasting my time to come see it. Good job being organized though.
16. Why would I give you a 3 or 6-month lease? So I can do all this again, only in January? Just no.
