09/07/2021
I decided to start being an as***le to my wife.
Well, I didn’t actually decide to do that, but that’s what I did.
I’m going through some issues right now, and I feel like I've just got to write it out.
I’ve been having some personal problems, and it’s beginning to spill over into other areas of my life (not least of which is my relationship with my wife)
I am stressing about a project that I’m working on (I’m caught in the middle which is often the hardest part and where one gets caught), and that stress is causing me to act towards my wife and family in ways that I don’t see in alignment with who I am, who I want to be, and who is someone that I like.
Then, right before bed, I had one more very negative interaction with my wife. It caused me to become emotional and start thinking those thoughts I am prone to fall victim to in the dark of the night. Frustration, Overwhelm, Confusion, Anger and Resentment (just to name a few light ones :P).
So there I was laying in bed, trying to figure out what to do. Was this going to be another long sleepless night?
Through everything I’ve read, therapy I’ve attended and personal development I’ve done, how was it that at nearly 40 years of age I was still plagued by these circling, spiraling, negative thoughts? Was I not becoming more resilient to situations like this?
I couldn’t stop myself, but I also knew that I didn’t want to stay in this state of mind. I tried hard to rack my brain and find a way out.
Then I decided to just start thinking through some of the tools I’ve learned. I thought about what was going on might be some sort of cognitive bias. I thought about anchoring and framing.
I asked myself how important is it? I used an extreme anchor to determine whether or not this was more or less than a “1” (on a scale of 1-10) in terms of how bad this situation is. I realized it was more than a “1”, but not much.
I then stacked some more anchoring frames on top of that. I thought about what it would be like to lose this life I have. Thought about what I’ve built. I thought about how much better my life is now than it once was, and about how one day I will experience these problems for the last time.
Then I reframed the whole situation with a more positive perspective. I thought more sincerely about what it was that each of us was going through and what each of us wanted. I asked myself whether or not we each knew the secret to getting exactly what we want out of each other life (spoiler alert, I don’t).
Then I thought hard about if there wasn’t something funny in this whole episode. I realized how funny life can be, in terms of when you’re single you don’t want to be alone, and when you’re married you… well, let’s just say your perspective on alone time shifts a little bit.
Finally, I asked myself how I could be more resilient here.
Now, this final question is interesting. Notice that it’s the second time I asked it of myself. After shifting my perspective and reframing my story, I got a completely different set of answers to this question. Answers that were less fatalistic and dire. Answers that were more realistic and actionable.
And that gives me an “a-ha” moment every time. Because if I can shift my perspective in that moment, then perhaps I can in other moments as well? And if I can shift my perspective… well, what are the limits of that?!
Anyways, I was able to slow the emotional deluge and calm myself. I was able to take a couple of relaxing breaths that calmed me down. I was able to let go of the spiraling thoughts and drift off into sleep.
When I awoke, the problems were still there, but I was refreshed and ready to give it another go.
Anyways, If you’ve ever had a problem like this I’d love to hear about it. I’m always interested in learning new techniques for stopping the spiral of negative emotions.
And if you wanted to sit down and get some coffee some time to talk about it, I’d love that too. I believe that we organize our minds socially and that’s what I try to do. Sometimes I don’t know what I think about something until I hear myself say it out loud to another person.
Wish me luck today (and tonight! 😉 )
Thanks,
Dallas
P.S. If you wanted to check out my cheat sheet for anchoring and framing problems like this, I think it’s pretty cool, I’d love to hear what you think of it, or if it works for you, send me an email at [email protected].
