10/12/2026
My first date since divorce
I woke up nervous. My first date is this evening and I seriously wanted to back out.
"Mike" made up name. Has been texting me non stop about how he is looking forward to our date.
I am uneasy as he has started to ask pretty personal questions. I know we are trying to get to know each other but I don't think him knowing what I sleep in at night is an important piece of information on compatibility.
As soon as I got off work, I ran home so I could change and freshen up a little.
Being a mostly leggings or jeans girl. I just stood in front of my closet hating everything.
I tried many different shirts on. Nothing looked good.
Tried different types and colors of pants. Nope.
Damn it! I am frustrated.
Finally, after I realize I am normally satisfied with my outfits, I conclude I am just fat and nothing is gonna look good and now I am pi**ed off and getting hungry.
With total attitude, I throw on a pair of jeans and flowy top to hide my Dunlap. (definition; Dunlap - what spilled over the top of your jeans you fu***ng cow) and black flip flops.
He is either gonna like me or he wont. Check my pits, reapply. Fluff and with a toss of over bleached hair, I was out the door.
We had settled on meeting at the Olive Garden. Looking back on that, I see now that was a mistake. Well, keep reading the whole thing was a mistake.
Huge line waiting to get in. My date is late, so I give my name to the hostess and get a beeper thingy then go outside to wait for my prince charming.
I am standing, leaning on a pillar because all of the seating is taken. That is when a small 1990's rat trap of a Datson pickup rattles into the lot.
This truck is a serious s**t show. Different tires the way around, I think one is actually smaller than the rest.
No exhaust so it is crazy loud and back firing.
Every part of the truck is a different color and it finds the only parking spot up front - lucky bastard! I had to park in the next lot!
The man goes to open the drivers door and it creaks open so loudly that everyone who was not looking previously, covers their ears and looks.
BANG! The door pretty much falls out of the top door hinge and the man catches it and with the stealthy moves of having done this maneuver many times , He lifts pushes and grunts while slamming the door back shut. The metal on metal shriek makes the whole crowd groan.
He straightens up, adjusted his hat and turns with a huge grin yelling "Tami!" while waving like Forest Gump. Is this really the guy from POF? He looks somewhat like him but now in person, totally different!
I wanted to run, to hide, to have the earth swallow me. But no.
I stood there with a smile on my face as I would never be mean. It would be shallow as s**t to judge him on his car.
Just as he swooped in for a hug the beeper goes off in my hand.
He takes both my hands and stands back to take me all in. This is my first really good look at him as well.
The middle aged man in the Costco jeans was no more.
In front of me was a middle aged man wearing a flat billed cap with the stickers on it.
High top Chucks with the tongues out, too long dark jeans that sagged on him.
A button up plaid, short sleeve shirt with only the top button engaged the rest wide open, showing his white wife be**er tank top.
What kind of Lawrence Welk Mexican Mafia s**t is this?!
He holds both my hands and says "Daaaayyyyyymmmmmnnnn" then makes some sort of sucking sound like food was in his teeth.
I can feel eyes on me. I twist out of his grip and make for the inside. He is hot on my heals.
We are seated along the wall midway through the restaurant.
After we order we are chatting. He never once asked me about myself. Instead it is a steady stream of him.
He tells me that he is between jobs. He is thinking of becoming a security guard for the mall because he understands todays kids and he thinks it would be fun.
He is twisting his gold pinky ring and it dawns on me, I am on a date with a man who wears a flat billed hat and pinky ring.
I tell myself to not judge. Be open. He could be the best person in the whole....f**k that, he is D bag.
Still trying to muster a smile. I think "Why did I allow dinner? This is freaking torture!" He rambled on about how awesome he is at something stupid that I didn't give a s**t about while I made a plan going forward.
I promise myself "No meals on initial meet and greets. IF I like them will there be food". OMG, is he still talking?
There is a toddler at the table across the aisle from us.
The baby is being fussy, so the parents are employing all kinds of things to keep the baby entertained. Keys, crackers, I phones.
My date begins to talk s**t. "Shouldn't they be in the family section or something?"
The baby starts crying and trying to get up from the high chair. "They cant even control that thing, do you have kids? I don't and don't want any"
The baby and I lock eyes so I start playing with her from across the room.
He is still talking but I don't care. I found someone I would like to spend the evening with now! lol.
Our food shows up just then. I place my napkin in my lap and go to cut into my chicken with my fork.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" He yells at me. I sat frozen with my fork halfway into the chicken breast, mouth slack jawed and eyes huge.
"You don't plan on eating without saying Grace do you?"
Oh! Ashamed I immediately drop my fork and bow my head.
He reaches over to grab my hand and proceeds to go into great detail thanking the Lord for his many blessings, his dinner, his date with me and his upcoming meeting about laying some tracks for his rap album.
He squeezed my hand....I felt the rush of vomit mixed with rage.
I try to pull my hand away but he wouldn't let go.
I forcefully pull my hand back and say "AMEN!" rather loudly with a menacing glare in my eyes.
He says "Oh, I am sorry I was unaware you were not a christian"
I take a deep breath and unload on his dumb ass.
"Look Sir Raps Not, how dare you chastise me for not saying grace over the food when you are sitting there with your fu***ng hat on!"
I reach over and sn**ch it off his head and slam it to the table.
Have some fu***ng respect! I push my chair back to walk out.
As I do I turn and say "Its Olive Garden jack ass, the whole thing is the family section!"
As I near the door, he comes running up behind me.
I stop at the hostess station and point to him, saying he hasn't paid his bill!
Then walked right out the front as they stopped him.
I was furious! Then I started to laugh. Surely this is a fluke right? All my dates wont be this bad!
*Narrator "It was not a fluke, Tami would go on to have many more bad dates. Later, that next day Tami gets a message on POF. It was the bartender from the Olive Garden that night - he asked her out for drinks.
How many people read that last bit as a man with a smooth deep voice and funny lilt? Me? Just me? Okay then.
Next episode is a little less PG.
