01/21/2024
Sound familiar?
Sometimes your teen brings out the worst in you when they show their worst to you.
Sometimes you say things to them that you can't take back. Sometimes you do things that you regret. Sometimes you act in a way that you don't even recognize yourself.
Sometimes it's because of something serious, like drinking or drugs or lying or safety.
And sometimes it's over something so stupid, like cleaning their room. Oh, the fights we've had because of her room.
Trust me. I know about picking and choosing your battles, and I tried. I tried to let it go and ignore it and focus on the positives.
But for me, it wasn't about her room. It was about her contributions to our home. It was about appreciating others' hard work. It was about doing her part and respecting her things and learning how to respect herself.
It went so beyond her room though. It was the way she pushed limits. The way she circumvented the truth. The way she yessed us to our face and then nothing changed.
So, I would try to get along and be understanding during these tough times when it was about the big things, but I would always lose it when I saw the disaster that was her room.
It was my trigger.
And sometimes I would get so mad that the conversation would turn ugly. There were times I belittled. There were times I swore. There were times I begged and cajoled and even cried.
I'm not proud. In fact, I'm ashamed. She deserved better.
One day a few weeks back we had a particularly bad argument over the way she chose to handle something. We argued and yelled and said some nasty things. I was blistering mad. She was sullen.
We both had enough.
I walked into her room later that night, stepping over dirty laundry and paper and Lord knows what else, and I told her that I didn't want to do this anymore.
I didn't want to waste time arguing with her. I didn't want her to feel bad about herself. I didn't want to feel bad about myself.
I told her I was doing some things to work on how I responded to things that triggered certain emotions for me. I shared that I was going to commit to some activities to help me with my anger, my anxiety, my hard edges.
But she needed to give me a sign she was listening. She needed to show me that she cared. She needed to at least take a step in my direction so I could keep letting her go.
The conversation wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, but when I walked by her room the next day, and a few others, this is what I've seen.
It hasn't been perfect, not even close. But she is trying. So am I.
There's been a lot less yelling and a lot more conversations. The tension has eased a bit. It's easier for her to ask to do something, and it's easier for me to say yes.
It was so not about cleaning her room, but it was so about cleaning her room.
We are leaning in. We are loving through the hard.
And after so long of bringing out the worst in each other, that's a pretty beautiful place to be.
Love hard.
Whitney Fleming Writes
*Repost from a few years back
