05/29/2026
Welcome to Chicago driving!
🚨 BREAKING: I-90, I-94, and the Kennedy Expressway are no longer being classified as highways by Illinois officials.
They are now officially recognized as competitive endurance sports connecting Chicago, O'Hare, Schaumburg, Naperville, and every Portillo's within a 75-mile radius. 🚗🌭💀
You start the trip optimistic.
Gas tank full.
Italian beef secured.
Large Dunkin' coffee in the cup holder.
GPS says 32 minutes.
Thirty-two minutes.
That's adorable. 😭
At first?
Everything feels normal enough.
Skyline looks beautiful.
Lake Michigan sparkling.
Someone's blasting house music at a red light.
A Cubs flag is somehow attached to a Toyota Corolla with zip ties and pure faith. 🌆
Then suddenly...
Brake lights.
Endless brake lights.
A sea of brake lights stretching all the way to Wisconsin. 💀
No accident.
No construction crew visible.
No reason known to science.
Just Chicago collectively agreeing that nobody will exceed 11 MPH today.
One lane has somebody driving 47 while carefully protecting their position like it's Game 7 of the playoffs.
The other lane?
A black SUV appears doing approximately Mach 3 while weaving through traffic like they personally own the Kennedy Expressway. 😭
And somehow directly between them is a Nissan Altima held together entirely by duct tape, expired plates, and pure Chicago determination. 💀
Then IDOT enters the chat. 🚧😭
Orange barrels begin spawning everywhere.
Lanes disappear without warning.
Entrance ramps become rumors.
One sign says:
"LEFT LANE CLOSED AHEAD."
Another says:
"RIGHT LANE CLOSED AHEAD."
A third electronic board simply says:
"EXPECT DELAYS."
Delays until when, brother?
Winter? 😭
Meanwhile Chicago weather starts freelancing.
Sunny downtown.
Rain in Rosemont.
Wind strong enough to relocate small furniture near the lakefront.
A random snow flurry appears in April because Illinois enjoys psychological warfare. 🌬️❄️💀
Then O'Hare traffic arrives.
Every vehicle suddenly becomes:
• an Uber driver
• a family from Iowa
• somebody missing a flight
• somebody picking up somebody whose plane landed 45 minutes ago
• and one confused tourist who somehow ended up on Lower Wacker Drive
You finally think traffic is moving...
Then somebody taps their brakes because they spotted a Portillo's sign. 🌭😭
Miss your exit?
Congratulations.
You now belong to:
• I-290
• I-294
• three toll plazas
• one terrifying merge
• and a spiritual journey through suburban Illinois.
Northbound or southbound doesn't matter.
Eventually every Chicago driver reaches the exact same conclusion:
The Kennedy isn't a highway.
It's a character-building exercise fueled by Italian beef, construction barrels, lake-effect weather, and pure Midwestern stubbornness. 🚧🌭🌆💀
