09/04/2025
✨ Grieving the Living ✨
I’ve learned that grieving someone who is still alive is sometimes even harder. Because the love is still here, but it has nowhere to land. Instead, you’re left questioning yourself constantly—am I doing enough, reaching out enough, being there enough?
I try to live my life with intention, and a lot of that comes from my brother. He feels so deeply and loves so hard, even though life has disappointed him more than it should. He battles depression and often puts others before himself. For a long time, I thought I could fix it, but he’s teaching me the greatest lesson—there are some things I cannot fix, and it’s not about me. My brother is still in my everyday life. I talk about him with the boys everyday with their love for anime, Pokemon cards and Marvel. All I can do is love him, give him space, and focus on what I can control—my boundaries, my energy, my purpose.
Still, my body reminds me of the weight I carry. My massage therapist told me: the right side holds physical stress, the left side emotional. She said my neck has been so tight and she never had to work that hard on me before. I had no idea and did not even notice it bc I thought I was doing well, but maybe my body knows how much I’ve been holding.
I caught a rare glimpse of him online recently. For a moment, my heart lifted… and then the sadness came, realizing that I have not seen him since December and he was sorely missed at our family reunion . That’s the ache of grieving the living: the joy of seeing them, mixed with the pain of being on the outside.
So I keep reminding myself—this love, even if unexpressed, still matters. Maybe my body carries some of his weight. Maybe my purpose is to love him quietly, even from afar.
So I keep living purposefully—for myself, and for him. And I hope, in some way, it helps lighten his load. So I live with intention—for myself, and because of him. 💙
