09/29/2026
Pa,
I spent so much of my life trying to save you. Begging you to change. Begging you to see yourself the way I saw you. I always knew loving you through your addiction was going to hurt me, but Pa… I never knew losing you would hurt me like this.
For 40 years, you were just there.
Everywhere I moved, you came. Every heartbreak, every celebration, every time I fell apart, every time I picked myself back up you were somewhere in it. You watched me become a woman. You watched me become a mother. You helped me raise Ari. You saw me at my absolute worst and at my very best.
And I saw every version of you too.
I wanted so badly for some of those versions to change. I wanted more for you. I wanted more time with the man I knew was underneath all of it.
But I need you to know something, Pa.
I never stopped loving the man you actually were while I was waiting for the man I knew you could be.
I loved you exactly where you were.
You were my dad. My rock. My protector. You defended me even when I was wrong. I protected you the same way. Nobody could say s**t about you around me because whatever battles you were fighting, you were still my Pa.
And you were always there.
Maybe not always the way I wanted you to be. Maybe not always the way I needed you to be. But somehow, in whatever shape or form, you were there.
And that is what is destroying me now.
Because even on the days I thought I was alone, I really wasn’t.
I had you.
Somewhere in this world was my dad. And even if you couldn’t fix anything, even if you couldn’t protect me from everything, just knowing you were here made me feel like somebody still had me.
Now who do I call Pa?
Who is behind me now?
How am I supposed to go through the rest of my life knowing you’re not somewhere out there anymore?
I spent all these years wishing I could save you.
And now, God, I would give anything just to have you back exactly as you were.
Every version.
I don’t need the better version anymore.
I just need my dad.
I love you, Pa.
And I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you💔