08/13/2026
Gotta read this
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. argued in his divorce case that a doctor told him a dead parasite had eaten part of his brain — and that his cognitive problems and memory loss had hurt his earning power enough to affect what he could pay in alimony.
And now he is the Secretary of Health and Human Services.
Let that sink in.
The guy tasked with overseeing the nation’s health, public-health agencies, medical research, vaccines, food safety, Medicare, Medicaid, and the future health of our children is a man with no medical degree, no clinical training, no public-health credentials — but a truly astonishing courtroom résumé: “Your Honor, the brain parasite situation has impacted my ability to earn.”
Apparently, it did not impact his ability to fail upward into control over institutions staffed by actual doctors, epidemiologists, scientists, researchers, nurses, and public-health professionals.
Just think about the standard being set here. If you want to work in a hospital cafeteria, you need food-safety training. If you want to administer medication, you need licenses and qualifications. If you want to lead a local health department, you need expertise, experience, and a record of understanding public health.
But if you want to run the entire federal health apparatus? Apparently all you need is a famous last name, an endless supply of conspiracies, and enough political usefulness to powerful people who think expertise is elitist.
And before the inevitable whining begins: no, this is not making fun of someone for having a medical issue. It is pointing out the breathtaking absurdity of elevating someone who himself cited serious cognitive impairment in court into one of the most consequential health-policy jobs in the country.
He argued that his earning capacity was diminished. The Trump administration looked at that and said: Perfect. Put him in charge of the agencies that determine whether millions of Americans can access health care, whether disease outbreaks are handled competently, and whether scientific reality gets to survive the next four years.
Because in MAGA America, qualifications are apparently suspicious. Science is “corrupt.” Doctors are “the establishment.” And the guy whose brain-parasite story became part of his divorce litigation is somehow the grown-up in the room.
This is not government. This is a satire writers’ room that got a federal budget.
