09/23/2024
To influence people, make 1 key change in how you talk
Growing up, I hated asking questions. As someone who excelled academically, I felt like asking for help or needing clarification meant that I wasn’t as smart as people thought.
This carried on into college until I had to take a fundamental algebra and trigonometry class. I probably would have failed if I hadn’t gotten over my fear of looking unintelligent. I wish I’d known earlier that posing queries in these situations can actually make you seem smarter, according to communication expert Matt Abrahams.
“Asking a question puts you in a position of power,” says Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer. “I can actually raise my status and lower your status when I ask a challenging question.”
Doing so “demonstrates you care, it demonstrates empathy, it demonstrates you’re willing to learn and, in some cases, admit you don’t know everything,” he adds. “Those are all valuable tools and assets to have when you’re trying to grow your career or deepen relationships.”
Good questions contain three elements, says Abrahams:
• They’re concise, so the listener doesn’t get distracted.
• They build on what the other person has said — furthering the conversation, rather than paraphrasing or summarizing it.
• They revolve around a focused idea, or the conversation topic’s “bottom line."
Above all else, listen to other people before asking them anything, Abrahams says.
“Anytime you are listening, you’re doing yourself a service. You are showing the other person you’re here,” he says. Then your question is more likely to feel like you’re “inviting the other person to collaborate, and solving the problem [together] helps you foster that relationship in the long term.”
I now ask questions all the time — not just for work, but to learn more about the different people around me. Moreover, I’m less worried about what other people think. I know that I’m intelligent, and that asking questions will only make me smarter.
By Ashton Jackson
