03/05/2025
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I share this, as I sit here lost in my thoughts. Maybe this is what I need to help me make it through the next few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and perhaps longer.
To give some context, my husband and I were blessed with our third baby after two miscarriages last year. Thalia Khelawan was born on 07/07, and we finally felt like our family was complete. So much so, that I began considering getting my tubes tied. But before we could take that step, we found out we were pregnant again, with our fourth! If you know me, once my mind is made up, it’s made up. For a moment, I wondered if a fourth child might be too much for our family, but after much contemplation, my husband and I decided to embrace this pregnancy. Little did we know, life had another unexpected turn in store for us.
Earlier this week, I learned that I tested positive for MSAFP. I hadn’t even heard of that acronym before, but I keep saying it out loud like a robot… M-S-A-F-P... MSAFP stands for Maternal Serum Alpha-Fetoprotein. For those who aren’t familiar, it means my baby has an open neural tube defect, specifically an open spine. There is nothing that my husband, I, or medicine can do—this defect is simply too severe. And just like that, we are facing the heartbreaking reality of letting go of our precious baby and sending her back to God. This is the toughest, most painful decision my husband and I have ever had to make.
Every fiber of my being aches for this to be a bad dream, for my sweet baby girl to just come to us safely and healthy. Nyssa Khelawan, I love you so deeply. I feel you every second of the day. It’s excruciating to know that I won’t get to see you, hold you, hear your little voice, smell your baby scent, or watch you grow.
You were the missing piece we didn’t even realize we needed. I truly understand now what it feels like to be broken, and right now, I’m leaning on all of you for support because and I really need it. 💔
