14/07/2016
‘Shaken and stirred’
Our many responses to grief (2)
Last week we explored the terms loss and grief and saw how loss wounds us and throws us off balance. Today we consider the different responses to loss in our lives.
Pause a moment and ask yourself how you would describe grief to someone. Most of us would probably focus on emotions such as sad, angry, hurt or guilt. Grief, however, is more than emotions just as loss is bigger than death. It is our entire response to loss.
There are four key ways that we respond: emotionally, behaviourally, physically and cognitively. For some there is a fifth dimension –spiritually. In this article we explore the first two.
A key response is of course emotional. It is usual to feel immensely sad, and at times very angry. Given what we have been taught in our homes, schools, churches and elsewhere, anger can be very uncomfortable for us but it is often powerful, appropriate and necessary. How we express it is key. Remembering that loss knocks us off balance, we can also feel anxiety and may be fear. We may lose confidence in ourselves and the world around us. Guilt can also be present, how often haven’t we said “if only I had done more” or “if only I hadn’t made that decision”. If we have lost a loved one through events such as death, divorce or emigration, we can struggle with loneliness. However, after some losses there can be a sense of relief as the suffering of a loved one is over or an abusive relationship has ended. In some situations relief sits uncomfortably initially but it is appropriate. These are some of the common emotional responses following a loss but it is important to remember that everyone is unique and will not feel all these common emotions. It is also not unusual for there to be very little emotional response initially and to feel numb.
But it does not end there! In grief our behaviour patterns change. Some do not sleep well while others just want to curl up under the blankets. It is usual to lose one’s appetite while others stress eat! Many get very busy and clean the house, garage or whatever else is at hand while others withdraw and neglect things. Some find it hard going to social events and struggle in a society where they have always related as a couple. After a death some carry objects or wear clothing that connects them to a loved one. There is nothing wrong with this in the early stages of grief. If, after many years, we are still unable to put them aside then it would be good to talk this through with a qualified person. Later we will explore the difficult question of “How long!”
Loss does indeed turn our world upside down. But let us hold on to the hope that while it is difficult grief helps heal the wound of loss.
First appeared Villiersdorper 1(7) on 1-7-2016
