03/01/2026
LONDON — In what experts are calling “the most predictable plot twist since the fall of Constantinople,” actual Muslim countries are enthusiastically backing strikes on Iran while the West’s newest caliphates sit on the sidelines eating falafel and virtue-signaling.
According to our on-the-ground sources (and several concerned imams who still answer their phones), UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and French President Emmanuel Macron were simply too busy managing their thriving Muslim-majority nations to get involved in some silly infidel-on-infidel conflict.
“Britain is now officially more Muslim than Turkey,” Owners reported live from a no-go zone that used to be called Birmingham. “The only thing stopping Starmer from issuing a formal fatwa against Israel is that he’s too exhausted from personally signing off on the arrest warrants for grandmas who posted bacon memes. One poor bloke got six months for a picture of a BLT with the caption ‘Crispy and delicious.’ Sharia compliance is a full-time job, folks.”
Macron, meanwhile, has reportedly converted the Élysée Palace into a prayer hall and is considering renaming Bastille Day “The Day We Surrendered Even Harder.” French natives attempting to complain about the 47th consecutive car-burning festival are immediately charged with “Islamophobia” and offered a complimentary relocation to a re-education camp in Calais.
At press time, Starmer was unavailable for comment because he was leading Friday prayers at 10 Downing Street, while Macron was spotted handing out free prayer rugs at the Louvre — right next to the spot where the Mona Lisa used to hang before it was deemed “insufficiently modest.”
Stay tuned to TDS News. We’ll keep you posted until they shut us down for pork-related hate speech.
